Unrequited Sentiments
by Michelle H. C. Zhu
Summary: Asuka's world shatters apart when she discovers her love for Ryou is unrequited. Then as if fate has decided on it, Juudai discovers her broken and alone in a forest.


…_I always pride myself…as well…a strong-willed girl…somebody who will never give up even if all odds were against them. Somebody who will work to their fullest potential and extend their limits until they can take no more…_

…_I always pride myself for being an inspiration to others, though I can safely say the arrogance has never gone to my head._

_They call me the queen of duel academia, and many of the students look up to me…I am a strong figurehead to them…and because of this, I have a title to live up for…I will never back down, never give up hope…_

_I refuse to cry…I refuse to look weak in front of anybody…no, not just to look weak…to **be **weak in front of anybody_…_yet I am standing here right now…in front of you…and I feel weak. I have lost all courage, nerve, faith…I cannot tell you how I feel…it is…it is embarrassing, I suppose…and I feel like a coward and fool standing here…unable to talk because of my fear…_

_No, this is getting ridiculous. _

…_what is love anyway? I am only 15 in age, almost 16; I don't know what love truly is. My passion in life is dueling and I have made it quite clear to many people already. To tell them that I have fallen in love with something other than dueling would be a shock to the entire academia._

_I try to tell myself that this is just puppy love, a teenage romance fantasy that only exists because my hormones are drawn to your good looks. It must be lust, I tell myself._ _But…even if it's just shallow love, even if my passion for you only runs skin deep, I am happy. I believe that in life…happiness is all that matters. There's nothing more than that and if I never achieve this happiness, my life will be unfulfilled._

_You know, when…when I look at you, my heart stops. Your expression is so serious, so forbidding and cold…yet you are polite to others…when you are speaking, of course. You seem to be silent most of the time. Yet, when you're actually surprised, your eyes completely soften, your fists unclench, and that tight crease on your lips unwinds into a gape. _

_For a brief moment, you can look into those dark eyes and see a little flicker of warped innocence and a bitter childhood. Then it's all obscured when you blink and that hard glare returns and slides over what's underneath. _

_A façade that you put on to block out the rest of the world. But that won't stop me from loving you. I love the way you look at me. _

_Your eyes are really beautiful, you know. They're always narrowed for some reason and even though I see them occasionally soften at the sight of your brother or even at me, your cobalt eyes seem to be a door that shuts everybody else out from your true emotions._

_It's not just your eyes…it's your heart as well. Your heart is like a thousand doors…and I just don't wield the time or effort to find each of those thousand keys for each door to your heart._

_I never got to really know you…I just think I did. Despite that you were the closest person to me and I could only trust you with my deepest secrets…I still believe that our "close" bond is petty and superficial. _

_I trust you…but…do you fully trust me?_

_I scan the memories of the past and not once does a recollection of your trust appear in my mind. I don't remember you ever revealing anything about yourself, other than the fact you have a younger brother who disappoints you…_

…_but even so, even with all your high walls of defenses, I have still grown to adore you…_

_I think…I felt something towards you the first night at this academia. The first time at the lighthouse…I was down at the pier by myself while everybody else was at the opening party. I was thinking of my brother who was missing back then…you comforted me, held me and reassured me with soft words…_

…_that was the first time my loneliness disappeared ever since my brother left. I felt warm standing next to you that night…and the memory still lingers in my mind even after all these months…_

_Back then, I had just turned fifteen…a child at heart even if I wore a mask of a young adult. I thought you'd return my affections but I quickly realized that we were both so young…despite you being two years older than me…_

_So I kept my emotions to myself, because I was young…we were young…_

_All through the school year, I thought of you…watched you as you fought to keep your title and pride as the best duelist in the academia. Then, just last week…it occurred to me you were going to be graduating very soon…yet nothing had changed. My feelings for you still remain strong and yet you still no nothing of it._

_I don't want this moment to pass without me seizing to opportunity to tell you…to tell you before you left the academia and slipped out of my grasp forever…_

_I want to tell you that…_

…_that…_

…

…_why are you looking at me like that, Ryou? Why? _

"Asuka…I'm sorry…"

I stop my train of words when you say this. You're apologizing and I don't understand why. I have said nothing yet…so why would you apologize? Unless you have already figured out my emotions towards you…

You sigh softly and close your eyes. A pause. You open your eyes again and stare at me. The pace of my heartbeat quickens as you take a deep breath and utter your next words.

"I know what you're going to say, but please don't say it. I can't return something I never had in the first place."

My heart stops.

"I'm sorry."

You look away and you continue talking, but I can hear nothing but the blood pounding in my ears. My eyes are fixed on you, no longer because of your stunningly good looks, but because every single muscle in my body is frozen and I can't make myself move an inch even if I desired to.

Your lips go on moving up and down, yet it is for waste. I do not want to hear you make excuses to me and how we can still be friends and you'll visit me once you leave the academia…

It's the end. That's it.

"No, no…no, you're not," I suddenly cut into your ramblings about nothing. "You're not sorry."

You startle and quickly glance up at me again. Our eyes lock for a moment before I cast mine down at my feet as I can no longer hold my gaze with you.

"…Asuka, please…I…" you plead softly. I know you're going to apologize again, but I no longer want to listen to it.

I mentally reconstruct the barrier that has separated me from the rest of the world and as I look at you again, my expression is detached and my pose higher than ever before. You never saw my weakness, do you understand me?

"I came here tonight to spill these emotions I have bottled up for so long in my heart…" I say. "…and tell you that I love you…yet…"

I falter for a split second but when that second is up, I'm reborn. My knees stop shaking. My voice returns to its normal tone of confidence.

"…perhaps it is best if I keep these emotions to myself."

My wall of ice has been erected again. You look at my emotionless face and you silently beg that I don't anything too drastic. However, you don't understand. You never understood. I don't wish to hurt anything, nor am I going to hurt myself. I just want to leave now and never look back on this moment again.

"Asuka…"

But I am impassive.

"…I have nothing more to say to you, Kaiser Ryou," I reply quietly.

I see you flinch at my cool tone of voice and the formal way I address your name. But you realize what's done is done and that this wretched situation can no longer be repaired. You lower your arm and slowly back away, your eyes turning icy again.

"I see," are your final words.

I brush past your shoulder without another sound and swiftly stride back towards the island. You make no move to stop me. Instead, you stare past me like I am thin air as I sweep by your rigid frame.

But as my feet take its first steps onto solid land, the mild disturbance in wind signifies that you have turned around. I feel your hard gaze pierce my back as I make my way up the hill and back to the Obelisk dorms again.

You say nothing, and I do not glance behind.

Once I am at the top of the hill, I break into a trot which turns into sprint which eventually turns into a full-out run as I head down the mound of earth as quickly as my legs can carry me. My breath quickens as I force myself to run faster and farther away from the pier where I know you still stand, contemplating over what just happened.

It is completely dark this dreary night, the moon isn't out, and the stars are shadowed by clouds. I can see nothing. But I run anyway. I continue running away from the pain, the guilt, and the humiliation.

I feel my legs sweep against sharp brushes attached to the ground, but I don't utter a sound even as sticky liquid trickle from the cuts. Sounds of tearing reach my ears and I know that branches have torn my clothing, and I'm bleeding and there's scratches and slash marks on my arms and legs and my hair is tangled with leaves and dirt…but…

… but all I do is continue running. Perhaps until I can run no more…because…I'm lost.

I no longer know where I am.

I know I should have been at the Obelisk dorms by now, but there is no light in any direction I look in. Everything is so dark. I'm suddenly scared and feel as if I've given up hope completely.

Then, I trip. Because of the pure lack of light, I am unable to realize there is a stone in my path until it is too late. With a cry, I collide to the ground. But instead of getting up, I merely lay there, fallen. My body does not stir from the mound of leaves and scattered stones. In the back of mind, I realize that my uniform is now torn and coated in dirt and that I will have nothing to wear tomorrow, but the chances are I probably won't attend class either way.

All my energy is drained and I feel as if I've lost the will to live. I can't move…I don't want to move…

And suddenly, I feel a warm wetness forming in the corner of my eyes. No, this can't be happening; I won't **let**this happen…

I promised myself not to cry, to never shed a tear again…I refuse to show weakness and I won't show weakness…even if there is nobody around, I know the heavens are watching me…testing me…

…but…but with everything coming towards me so quickly I need some way of releasing these emotions…but I don't want to cry…no…

…please don't let me down…

…_please..._

"Asuka?"

I gasp. That voice…I can recognize that voice from anywhere…Juudai…? I thought I heard him call my name…or am I so desperate for comfort that I'm hallucinating?

No. It's not a dream, because I suddenly feel his warm presence appear behind me. He reaches down and softly places his fingers on my shoulders, only to withdraw them when I flinch from his touch.

"Asuka…is that you…?" he asks again, his voice lined with uncertainty. I struggle to hide any traces of my crying and get up from the ground.

"Yes, it's me," I reply hastily.

I wipe a rapidly forming tear from the crease of my eye before it spills down to my cheek. He opens his mouth to question my ragged look but I interrupt him before he can say anything.

"I just…tripped over a rock, that's all…"

I brush off my skirt and swerve around, forcing a smile on my face to reassure him. Even in the darkness, I can make out that Juudai still looks doubtful, but that is not unexpected. The boy knows more than he lets on.

"Asuka…"

"…so w-what…what are you doing here anyway?" I ask shakily, changing the subject as quickly as possible. "It's very late, you know, I thought you'd be asleep by now…"

"I was going to…but I heard some noise and came here to check it out."

A look of confusion must still be present on my face because Juudai points to the flimsy shack-like structure are behind him. Comprehension dawns upon me. I didn't realize I had run so astray that I ended up in front of the Osiris dorms.

"Oh."

Juudai looks at me again. I try to hide my abrasions on my body with my arms but it is no use because the scrapes everywhere and even in the darkness, it is easy to distinguish the blood dripping from my cuts. His eyes widen in worry.

"You're hurt. Asuka, what happened?"

I say nothing and he takes my silence as the worst implied answer possible. He grabs my hand and begins to drag me towards the dorms.

"Come on, we'll go to my room and clean you up."

But I quickly wrench my hand out of his grasp and I take some paces back to where I was standing before. I don't want anybody to see me like this, to see the queen of duel academia in such a downright state, broken and bruised, dirty and battered, nearly in tears.

I'm supposed to be beautiful, confident, strong…even if it is all a mask and I'm just a scared little child inside, nobody can know…nobody can find out…

…not even you, Juudai.

I shake my head anxiously.

"No, I'm fine. I'm going to head back to my room now. Don't w-worry about me, ok?"

Again, I strain a smile to reassure him. But this time, Juudai is less prepared to believe my lies.

"Asuka, you're not ok," he murmurs in a soft voice. He puts his foot forward.

I step back. The fake smile on my face is larger now. I try to stand up straighter, to show that I'm alright, that I'm back to my secure self.

"No, you're mistaken, Juudai-kun. I'm perfectly fine…" I say, trying to regain the self-assurance in my voice. I want him to believe me. I want him to believe me so he can leave me be and let me wallow in my misery.

But he takes another step forward.

"You're not."

I take another step back.

"Yes, I am."

He takes one more step forward.

"No, you're not."

I take one more step back.

"Y-yes…believe me, I am…"

He takes his final step forward and I find my foot pressed on something hard. I quickly glance behind to see that my back is flat against a tree. I can no longer walk back.

I look at him again. Juudai is standing in front of me and though I can't distinguish his features perfectly, I can easily tell he's concerned beyond measures. His eyes, so different from Ryou's, are gentle and flashing with worry. Ryou's eyes were mature without a single flicker of weakness in them, while Juudai's eyes are brimming with the raw passion of youth.

"Asuka, please. I just want to help you."

His hand reaches for my shoulder…

…I slap it off before his hand is able to touch me.

"_I'm fine!_" I shout, raising my voice unexpectedly.

Guilt instantly fills my heart. I jerk my head away from his upset gaze and shut my eyes. Even in the darkness of my eyelids, I sense that Juudai is hurt by my harsh actions. Yet he does not leave.

There is silence for what seems like to be forever. Juudai still has me pinned to the tree and I am unable to move, not because of him, but because my body is virtually frozen and my mind is numb.

I just want to be broken alone, strewn in my own despair to let me sort my feelings out by myself…I don't want anybody else here to witness my darkest, weakest hour…why can't you see that? Juudai, why don't you leave…why don't you just…?

"…you're crying."

I slowly open my eyes and stare at him. Those were not the words I had expected him to say. Then my mind runs over his words, the **meaning **of his words…

…wait…what? I'm…I'm…

…_crying_?

My cheeks are wet. My vision is blurred. I am crying.

How could I have not noticed that…?

I didn't realize…

I thought I had control…

I thought…

The next few seconds is a blur as our words and actions are combined into one.

"Oh, my god…"

"…Asuka!"

My legs fall beneath me and he leaps forward simultaneously. I feel his arms wrap around my body and support me from crumbling to the ground again. All the strength has been drained from my limbs; I have nothing left to keep me standing or going on…except for Juudai.

He pats me on the back and I clutch onto his jacket and…

…and I begin sobbing into his chest.

Juudai doesn't seem bothered at all and he embraces me and holds me closer to him. He doesn't say anything and I am glad.

I let all my emotions spill out from here on then. I don't care anymore…I'm tired of being a perfect, pristine windup doll that always has to saunter around, holding her head up high…

…never showing weakness…never letting anybody in…always being the ice queen just for show…

…I'm tired of being somebody else. I just…want to…

…just want to…

"Be yourself," Juudai finishes off, reading my mind.

…

…_I realize now…all I want in life is happiness. _

_If love meant happiness then I will follow through with love. _

_If pain meant happiness, then I will follow through with pain._

_If letting my guard down and showing weakness meant happiness…then I will follow through by tearing off my mask and crying into some boy's arms._

_This is happiness._

_And I can finally say it with pride. I am happy._


End file.
